Chocolate Chips Can Be Good For You

I don't know if y'all know this, but normally I am in a pretty upbeat mood. Even when its a bad day I'm good.
Well yesterday was a GREAT day, but by the end I got all whiny and crabby.
My Chocolate Chip took an AP position in MA and had to leave last week. So I couldn't talk about my day, hear about his, nuthin. I wanted to learn about the teachers he had to interview and hire (why, what stood out, etc.), I wanted to be told to sit my little a$$ down somewhere and quit doing too much, I wanted to point out that he has had a runny nose since September and that is just weird, but I couldn't. He's super busy now and asleep by the time I'm done with my stuff. Y'all know AP's don't get the summer off, and his transition from teacher to AP was exactly one week. No summer break really. And I can't go to MA because I'm playing Mom Taxi to my baby's hectic schedule.

So, being whiny, crabby, and totally out of character, last night I sent an "I need you home, you're too far, I need to fall asleep in your armpit" text. Welp, he gets a gold star, chin chuck, and a mini bear hug for the text I woke up too.

On this day I pledge to be more understanding of AP's roles and responsibilities, men's need for comfortable affordable shoes, and less whiny.

Carry on.

Apathetic...maybe, but I'm not sure.

Yesterday I woke up not excited about school next year. This next year will be my 3rd year of 7th grade. Every time someone finds out I'm a 7th grade teacher they say, "God bless you." I'm a little tired of hearing that. 7th graders are awesome.
Last year I was the only teacher on my team who didn't request a grade change. This year only one teacher requested a grade change, that's good for the kids and the team.
Recently, I had a Principal at one of the Early College HS's say he might pull me to his school. That school is really close to my son's new HS. Before that a Principal at my sons HS said to email her so she can pull me if they have to hire ELAR. I haven't emailed either principal because I like my kids and school, but why is it on my mind daily???
Then I realized I'm going to miss not having my baby with me everyday (that made me cry). Work won't be the same with him gone to HS.
Now...this morning I saw a picture of my 4th & 5th graders that made me miss them, as a whole (they're 700 miles away), but not as a need to teach that age. I got a little teary eyed.
I'm excited to see what the new year brings, but maybe not excited to get back to the grind. I haven't been doing this long enough (only 4 yrs)to not want to do it anymore, and I really love my work and my bad kids that need to be throat punched. But, It was so hard to wake up from Spring Break through summer school and now that it's over my eyes are popping open at 5am every morning. For what?!?! I don't do diddly. I still haven't cleaned my bedroom, school has been out for 3 weeks and summer school has been out for 1 week.
Today I'm having an emotional struggle between joining a gym for the summer or trying for the 10th month in a row to do T-25 in my living room.
This is so unlike me!
I want to say I'm apathetic, but I can't because I don't remember what it means, and I don't feel like looking it up.
I need encouragement, but I don't know why or for what.

I think...

I think Lazy Love broke my heart. It certainly feels broken. I don't like this feeling and I'm too old at 42 to be going through this--at least I think I'm too old for this nonsense.

Truth...my students are fools at times. I will be doing everything in the book and beyond to teach a lesson and then it all starts running smoothly without explanation. Five minutes into this glorious time I discover my principal in my class doing a spot observation.

I love my babies, I really do. Though my 7th graders are the reason I drink on the rare occasion that I partake in da liqa. The thing that helps keep me sane are meetings and PLC's because inevitably someone or three is going to speak about the behavior of the kids in our school and it is at those moments I know that I am not alone. That it isn't just me. But at the same time my own students have said, "It's not you Ms. it’s us." Sometimes I feel so low, like what could I do differently.

Two of my babies got into a fight on Friday (during my worst behaving period) and I broke the rules. Teachers just say stop fighting and go call code red. The whole thing was so surreal as if in slow motion. I went to call but then other students were coming into my class phones were in the air recording and the fight got nasty. I flew across the room jumping over chairs to get the boys broken apart. All I saw was two best friends coming to blows, cameras, and ignorance in a crowd. Instead of stopping it they were chanting. Is this real? What kind of society do we live in? I held one of them and talked calmly to the other one, pleading for him to let him go. He was covered in blood. I told him I had him, not to worry, I have him.

The tears were running down his bloody cheeks. When he loosened his grip on him I was so focused on his tears I loosened my grip too and the other boy twisted around and smashed his face again. It was at that moment that Mama Bear came out and I snatched that boy so fast. 

Had he lost his mind or had I lost mine. When I say I roared, I mean it. I have three sons (20, 18, and 13) and breaking up a fight is not new to me. And these are 13 yr olds, this I can do. I think I was more in shock than anything. Between them and the cameras...I have never multi-tasked at that level before. With that roar I got cameras off, all students OUT of my classroom, and those two boys apart. I don't remember the details but I know that the wild punch pissed me off more than the whole thing. 

In the end my kids were lined up outside my class, all video was deleted from students I KNEW were recording, and my voiced disapproval to the two boys in the calm silence of my emptied room was louder than anything. I had a headache. And my heart was broken because I want so much for them. I don’t even think the one that was bloodied realized they were really fighting at first. 

So much going on, all the time, everywhere.

Amazingly enough, I am still dealing with the same men.
"Lemme See" and "Lazy Love" and Mr____

Each have their role in my life, each has an important role too.
Mr____ is my children's father.
He is not my friend
He is not someone I can go to for conversation
He is someone I will love forever but I will never be in love with again
He is my past

Lemme See is...my friend.
My very annoying friend
My former lover that always wants me to come home to him
My fall back person that I don't want to fall back to
My past lover and present friend

Lazy Love is mine.
I didn't know that would happen
I didn't expect that to happen
I am still surprised that it happened
For now...he is my future

Everything happens for a reason
Changes happen
Good or Bad
Whatever comes was meant to come
Enjoy today and don't worry about tomorrow

Six months ago I sent Lazy Love a text
I told him I had an idea
What is it?
This summer we should fall in love...with each other.
Really?
Yes, we should. We are both too cynical of the opposite sex.
True...
I think that if we spend time together, with the express intention of loving each other,
we will discover that it is easy to love someone else and we can stop being so negative.
Hmmmm...
So that's what I think.
Ok, we can fall in love...with each other.
Really?
Yep.

And from then on it began...very small things, short conversations, random texts, reminders about our plan.
When I arrived at his home (finally) I told him he was not allowed to have any other female visitors.
Why not?
Because we are falling in love with each other sir...
And?
If she isn't family then she is pussy and she does not need to be in the middle of progress...
Damn. Ok.
Thank you.

Typical of him, he spoiled me.
In return, I spoiled him.

 Then summer ended.
And I left.
Without saying good bye.
I thought it was over.
We did what we were supposed to do, right?
See if we could fall in love with each other.
I didn't realize that we had...

I thought about you today…

I thought about you today, it made me smile

I saw you in your truck

Smiling

Grimacing

Talking

Explaining

Sweating

Questioning

Wishing

Wanting

Dreaming

You as you, who you are

I thought about you today, it made me smile

I saw you on your couch

Laughing

Playing

Sleeping

Drinking

Thinking

Eating

Wishing

Wanting

Dreaming

You being you, doing what you do

I thought about you today, it made me smile

I saw you in your bed

Touching me

Feeling me

Smiling at me

I miss you…

Going through a divorce...

I do believe that going through a divorce is worse than a frickin breakup because at least with a breakup you have two folks who kinda maybe don't know that they might still want to be together and kinda still don't want to be together but whatthefuckever lets be done with this shit. And then they have break up sex.
Divorce is different in my case, cause I know damn well I don't want that nigga back. Fuck him. I don't know about other couples going through a divorce, but uhmmm i'm not fucking that man with another womans pussy. So no divorce sex for me. It's just that dang, you don't realize how much you can truly truly dislike someone until this point. And nope, I have to admit, I have been an idiot for years and someone out there actually believes i'm an idiot too. Is he crazy? I'm not dumb sir, you don't believe me? Just wait, I can show you better than I can tell you.
He actually told me how he tells everyone how proud of me he is and how much i've grown over the years into a spectacular woman who he knows will get her doctorate blah blah blah. Shut up. Whatcho want??
On that note, I officially broke off my non relationship relationship with "Lemme See" at 9:22 am MST. He wanted some good bye sex, I said no. As I was typing I realized I must have lost my damn mind. I won't get dick again until July prolly, when I get home and get to see "Lazy Love" and that is a big MAYBE. Because, he might be seeing someone, and I don't fuck with folks that have somebody. Bad karma at the highest level. 
So either way, I sent "Lemme See" a text at 11:12 pm MST letting him know that I am trippppppppiiiiiiinnnnnnn. I want the dick, absolutely want the dick. Bring on the dick.
My sister-in-law told me that I think like a married woman and not a single woman, I didn't know that. But that is the only way I know how to think since I'd been with Mr.____ since I was 19 (I'm 40...shhhh). But imma change that shit. Yep, bring on the dick. Hell I might meet the next Mr. Big Dick on the plane on the way to get my final bit of ass from that fucker with the awesome dick LOL. 
So oh yeah, so I'm actually going through my divorce. Mr.____told me that if I change my mind then don't show up for the lawyer meeting and he will call it off. Nope, I'm going. Big girl panties and all. This town is NOT big enough for the both of us while we are still married, imma need that piece of paper so he and I can officially do what the fuck we want to do and that's that. 
I'm listening to my kids do their crazy ass midnight pork n bean eating fest with the bad broken can opener right now. I SWEAR if there are dents in my cabinet I will be hurting a teenager in his sleep.
My favorite song by Usher right now is Lil Freak http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNVNzRzDt-k that is kind of how I am right now. I will probably fall asleep touching myself to this music. And the chick in the red/black pants is HOT!!! Bring on the dick...

Marie