Totally lost in my thoughts today...

Yes, I did just send Lazy Love a text letting him know that I do not feel like flying into the D tomorrow because #1 I'm lazy, #2 I'm eligible for an upgrade on my phone as of tomorrow and I really want a new fuckin phone, and #3 I am more interested in a new phone than some dick.
Even though I could really use some all over butterfly kisses right about now.

Yes, this bitch here is OUT OF ORDER.
(His penis is being well taken care of i'm sure, so I will be at the Verizon store tomorrow :-)

Back to my thoughts...

A new day and a new thought process

This is what I read yesterday...

I absolutely loved this book. It challenged my thought process in terms of trying to find a doctoral program that is NOT focused on Latino/a studies. It brought up the anger and resentment that one feels in graduate school as a minority. As we are part of an even smaller minority than normal in this academic environment. Oh and believe me, I am very angry at times, very angry.

But something more important than anger seeped through...

Where is the disconnect happening? Why is there such a disparity with Chicano/a students between elementary and high school? 

Middle School is the disconnect.

This is seriously disturbing me more than anyone could possibly know. As a result I will spend the rest of the day in my head...

It is what it is so quit trippin

Topic of the Day:   Pussy is Pussy/Dick is Dick

If the relationship started out 3 weeks ago, 5 months ago, 2 years ago, or 10 years ago as a damn booty call then it is what it is. It doesn't change because you both became friends, it doesn't change because you both have each others backs, it doesn't change because he popped a pimple on your ass when you couldn't reach it. Don't get mad when one party chooses to slip and fall into/onto another pussy/dick. It is what it is.

I don't want to hear any snappy ass comebacks about how you and yours got married and have a successful relationship either, that's marriage. My almost ex husband and I were booty calls that fell in love, got married (18 yrs), had a family, broke up, and became friends (sometimes) again. This is about those that have not crossed that great divide; those that depend on each other for whatever the reasons may be, those that regularly scratch each others itch when it needs it, but have not said nor will they ever say, "I do."

My girlfriend called me to talk about what was going on in her relationship and I offered her what I thought was decent advice, but she insisted that she needed to talk to a male friend and get his perspective on what was going on. She did. Let me say that it was excellent advice too. It was straight from the hip, real talk. No bullshit. I'm not sure why I didn't trust that he was going to give her excellent advice because there have been many instances where I have called my friend4life since 2nd grade, and asked him his opinion on matters. He has always offered the perspective that I needed in order to make a sound decision. No one knows a guy better than another guy right? So ladies, keep that in mind when you want honest feedback on something that is keeping you awake at night about a man.

Moving on to my menfolk.

I only have two that cross my mind on a regular basis and that is of course, "Lemme See" and "Lazy Love." Well I had to put them into perspective after listening to the wise man's information today. Admittedly, with Lazy Love the attitude has always been, it is what it is. There is no confusion about that one at all, it is what it is. Though he himself had a situation about 6 months ago with another "booty call" of his that started to turn the relationship into more than what it was. We actually discussed why he encounters this type of situation and I told him "my perspective" on his woman problems. When you are with him, you are a queen, he treats you with extreme care and tenderness, he plays with you, he laughs and makes sure that you are satisfied before he is, he smothers you in butterfly kisses in the middle of the night, and no matter what... he makes you feel sexy. Who doesn't want that in a relationship??? Who doesn't want that to be their reality? So when he ventures into these relationships with females that live 15 minutes away, females that he can help out in an instant if a problem occurs, why wouldn't they start to see more than they should. Hell, If I didn't live 2000 miles away I would be Dickmatized (Jill Scott, 2012) too! His response was, "That is the way it's supposed to be, I want her (us) to feel good when she's with me." Exactly, so since we don't want him to change, and he doesn't want too either, he needs to take some simple precautions with the next booty call relationship. He needs to have them sign a waiver or agreement. 

Moving on:

Now, Lemme See had started to become an issue with me. His job required a great deal of travel and he would be on job sites for more than a month at a time. I traveled to wherever he was, and got a completely different treatment than with Lazy Love. He is a hard core nasty ass freak. He is so nasty i'm embarrassed to talk about it. Truthfully, in the beginning he was a bit of an asshole, so I gave him back what he dished out or worse. I was really outdone at his behavior or commentary on a number of occasions and it was my calling him out that put him on a mission to prove that he really was a nice guy. And succeed at that mission he did. So once we broke that barrier, traveling to his work sites for a couple of days of relaxation was a mini-vacation to look forward to. He got up every morning, we would discuss whatever was going on with his job, go to work, come back 10 hours later, ready to eat, and relax. It was glorious hanging out in the hotel, or swimming, or going shopping, with no kids to worry about, no dinner to cook, to just be at peace. He would let me know when he was going to one site or another, that he'd arrived safe from his flight or drive, check on me and all my traveling to make sure that I had arrived safely too. Then he changed positions and became stationary. We began to talk all the time (do you see the problem, because I do), started really getting along, being aware of each others damn schedules and shit. Being fuckin supportive of each others trials and tribulations...  Then out of the blue, he decided to disappear on the weekends and became distant in conversations. The first time he did it he went through great lengths to apologize. Then a second time, and not too much of an attempt to make amends. And then this last time. And yes, he did call me and tell me that this Hurricane Sandy was his excuse. My response. "Oh okay." Today he called to let me know he survived and that there was no damage to his home. "Okay, good to know." But, at this point, I know what's up and I'm moving on. What does it matter anyway, I'm just pussy right? Whatever the relationship started out as, is what it is. While I am glad he is alive and well, he is just dick. Good dick. But, be that as it may, I'm a grown ass woman; I don't play games with anyone, and we did have an agreement. Deuces negro.

On to the next one...

I was lying in bed about 4 nights ago (while I was seeing the handwriting appear on the wall), and I got a text message from....a guy. Crazy right? Why would a guy text me? Because I am awesome, that's why. "Can you talk?" Absolutely. We laughed so hard on that call for over an hour, and of course he asked when I would be available for a visit. At least not for another six weeks sir. In the end, the call ended with his usual, "how can I help?...I will put it in your account on Wednesday, text me a reminder Tuesday night."

He doesn't even know about that "Superhead"...

Danger...Will Robinson...Danger

LMMFAO!!! What kind of shit is this?? HAHAHAHAHA! If this was known to work, I'd be on husband #___ now (because a real lady never tells) ...oops, my bad, I already over shared didn't I? 

It is funny though isn't it?

No, I haven't shared enough. Just so you know, Lemme See, renamed me Superhead Marie, soon after we met. We have spoken many times of my "Super Power" and if I am recalling correctly, he related or equated it to the fact that I sucked my thumb until I was 18. Needless to say, I'm a bad bitch.

This of course leads me into the Topic of the Day: 

What to Expect from My Rainbow Fish

This blog is truthfully the maniacal musings of my mind; where I will say what i'm thinking regardless of how it sounds, because I need a place to vent. I'm going crazy guys!! 

I have two teenagers, one of whom is going through a serious case of teenapause and the other just needs to get the fuck out. I know he is only 17 years old, I know he won't be 18 for another 7 months but shit, fuck, damn, he has graduated high school and is in college. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. And then I have my baby, my poo bear is 10 going on 30. The pre-teenapauser, the just beginning puberty adolescent, with a mouth that I want to punch periodically but I don't because he is spoiled rotten.  

In addition to that, I am forced to deal with horrid examples of freshmen writing almost daily, I see so many bad writing samples that when I see a good one, i'm looking for stuff to bitch about. I have to step back and say oh wait, Good Job _____, and I must say I am very impressed with your ability to keep this paper in third person. **One wouldn't think that would be hard, but it is when you are blinded by the bad ones.**

Let us not talk about my classes. Love 'em/Hate 'em. And that is all there is to say about that.

And men, Lordy Lordy Lordy do I love men. And I love falling in love with my men. Well actually, sometimes I fall in love with something about a particular man, not the whole man, but overall I just love men. And they all live out of state...

So I'm a single camel toe in a house filled with testicles and this is where I am going to talk about whatever is going on with me be it physical, emotional, or mental. I will cuss, I will get x-rated, sometimes I will talk about my kids, sometimes about my men, sometimes about my friends (fuckin bitches), I will make you laugh a lot, and sometime I will make you cry. So be prepared because I am as real as I can get, and I didn't think Facebook was the appropriate place to truly be me. You might think i'm crazy sometimes, and that's okay because I think I am too.

Are you ready? Let's go...

As usual, I started this morning in my head. I may have physically gotten out of bed, gone to the toilet, removed my mascara, taken my medicine (No! I am not diabetic, that is sooooooo racist.), yelled at the kids, eaten some yogurt, made up my bed, washed a load or two of clothes, showered, and dressed for work in this realm but I was actually lost in another time space continuum; my head. 

In my head, I fantasize about Usher (my future baby daddy) whenever his songs are on the radio and since I only listen to SiriusXM The Heat; his songs are always on the radio. In my head, I think about different guys that I have dated and revisit conversations we have had. In my head, I changed Mr. J's name (someone I have a non-dating physical relationship with) to "Lazy Love" by Ne-Yo  http://youtu.be/WZkuuUe97_s?hd=1, and Mr. B's name (someone who I started a non-dating physical relationship with six months ago that is possibly more than that but neither of us want to admit or talk about it) to "Lemme See" by Usher http://youtu.be/TEb7CPtpZvM. In my head, my size 12 is on a 5"10' frame and not a 5"4' one.

Anyway, this morning in my head I set certain goals for myself. Though I'm still discovering myself these weren't any random goals. This morning was a morning of self-discovery for me, though the more I think about it, it might directly be related to my meds. This morning I forgot about love, being in love, the meaning of love, the pain of love, I thought about me. I decided that I have until age 45 to start a doctoral studies program,and that I also have to have 50k saved by that time. This may not seem like a big deal to many but for me it was saying it out loud, it was speaking it into existence. I will be 40 next Sunday <deep sigh> so I actually don't have a lot of time. I should prolly get a real job. Eventually...

So what had happened was, I knew I set this mental plan in motion because I don't think I can find a doctoral program for me that does NOT focus on Latino/a studies anywhere in the Southwest. So apparently in order to focus on multicultural studies in relation to rhetoric and writing one must go North. I guesstimated that it would take me about 4-5 years to acclimate myself to the idea of going to NY or something because its COLD there. I don't wanna be COLD. Thinking about this lead to a discovery of possibly getting a 2nd masters degree in Health and Human Services because I have this thing about homeless teenagers (though I have a teenager that I would love to be homeless right now) that I want to help and give them the support they need to reach their potential. Now while I realize that sounds like a commercial, its true. Plus thinking about all this helped me to keep my mind off of "Lemme See" all day. Since apparently we're in a non-talking point in our strange relationship, though I'm sure somehow this will relate back to Hurricane Sandy (Bullshit).

As there is no way i'm going to make anyone relive my entire day in order for me to get to the point, just know that in the final hours as I was putting the beginning touches on this brand new blog that I promised myself I would start today, my baby came into my room and we discussed My Rainbow Fish.

My Rainbow Fish is the world that I share with my children, my parents, my almost ex husband, and my friends. It represents time we spent together that is meaningful. A few years ago I was driving my baby to school and during our conversation about everything important to a six year old, he told me that he was going to write a book one day, and it would be called Rainbow Fish. When I asked him why, he had no reason to explain it. But I knew at that moment that I would write something some day in the future and the title that I had been thinking about for years that wouldn't manifest became obvious, it was Rainbow Fish, My Rainbow Fish. My son would never remember this conversation or the name of his future book but I knew that I would.

My Rainbow Fish is our time together; good or bad.

Welcome to my world...