Well I have been busy for quite a while. I think about this spot everyday but then I'm too tired to actually put any thoughts down.
Today I'm exhausted. Yesterday I was exhausted. The day before that I was beyond exhausted. I have a good idea of what tomorrow will bring...more exhaustion.
I keep meeting the nicest guys; weird. I also meet some strange dudes too but I chalk them up to normalcy. I hate to admit that I actually miss "Lemme See," I really miss him. But I ripped him a new one awhile back ago, it could have been a week or two, I don't actually remember. But I miss him. Not enough to apologize, call, or text though. Hmmmm, maybe I just miss his hanging appendage. <deep sigh> If I was a ho' this would not be a problem.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Am I crazy?
I started this blog because I needed a way to express myself so that my brain would not implode. I haven't been expressing myself lately, and the reasons behind it are causing me to be concerned. One of the reasons is directly related to the fact that I did not want people to know what was in my head but at the same time, I told them to please read my anonymous blog. WTF is up with me? So please forgive me for jumping around during this posting but I need to clear my head.
I think i'm needy, but I'm not sure what i'm needy for. I woke up recently crying because I realized I had been in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 18 years. Now I'm not saying that he yelled and screamed at me, called me names, nothing like that; no what I suffered through was living for years with an unhappy, miserable person who does not know how to show love. Someone who wants you to hold them when they need you, but was emotionally detached from me when I needed them. Someone who wouldn't even go to the emergency room with me, someone who could pull my strings to do what they wanted, when they wanted, and leave me feeling upset because I felt unappreciated but so did they. He felt unappreciated because he had to manipulate me to get what he wanted and I hated being manipulated but continually fell for it.
I discovered this by accident, if you can believe it. I met a guy, a really nice guy, and he invited me over for dinner not to long ago. My eventual ex-husband and I wound up in an email war that was just the tail end of a cold war we had been fighting since early November. These cold wars happen regularly when I don't use the proper tone of voice with him, or I get upset and dare to share my thoughts. Anywho... against my better judgement, I actually wound up discussing what happened with this guy. He never said a negative word on either side he just listened, and then stated that sometimes it is like that with his eventual ex-wife too (he is separated also). But he kept touching my eye-brows. Strange. Not Jeffery Dahmer strange, but just different strange. We talked about our childhoods, adolescent years, dating, expectations, etc., We had a great evening and then he wanted a hug before I left. And then he touched my eyebrows...again.
He's nice, I like him. And I like seeing him.
But here I am still feeling lonely, busy as hell, but lonely as hell. Randomly conversing with "Lazy Love" about anything under the sun, and this new guy about stuff, and well, some of the other guys I talk to also. But I'm still lonely, still missing something. The mister came over for Christmas, we had a great day, we were able to be cordial with one another also but I didn't want him to move home or anything like that. I think, I really think, I just want us to be friends. I don't want to rely on him for anything, I don't want him to rely on me for anything but I want to be able to be friends, to take twenty years of love, laughter, hatred, lack of communication, hard feelings, having each others backs, knowing each other so well, and hopefully turn it into a friendship where we can talk to each other about our issues. Without it ever having to go back to, "well when we were together..." fuck that bullshit. We aren't together, but I want to be able to get his opinion on a matter as much as he wants to lean on me when the stress at work is too much to bear.
So here I am, still lonely. Planning a trip to visit "Lazy Love," and waiting for the other guy to get back in town so that maybe we can go out for New Years Eve, but maybe not. My loneliness has nothing per se to do with him though, it is coming from somewhere else.
How come I miss "Lemme See" so much?? How come? What did he do that he was able to commandeer all of my attention so quickly. Is it because he is an asshole? I don't want to be with someone who thinks lowly of me. Does he think like that about me? Or was I having a crazy ass PMS moment when I went off on him and we ceased to respond to one another. I thought about texting him on Christmas Day, sending him wonderful blessings for the new year. I didn't, it wasn't on purpose though, I was doing Christmas with my family and then cooking breakfast, so you know how that goes. When I finally checked my phone, he had text me; wishing me wonderful blessings into the new year. I made a decision to respond with what was actually on my mind. I told him I missed him and I had been thinking of him just that morning.
Am I deranged? Is there something wrong with me in the head? Am I needy? Am I that needy? Or do I really like this man, do I really like saying what I want to say and not being worried about his response? Do we have some kind of connection other than physical? Or is it that I have been in a great mood ever since Christmas and I enjoy our conversations as much as I did before. I recognize his non-answer as avoidance because he said he would never lie to me. Is it crazy that THAT actually works for me, because it also means that he is giving me my answer at the same time, so I need to determine where I am going to go with that information.
Our conversations are particularly descriptive, in all things. Today he told me that he needs to see me regularly; that his dick is faithful to me and only me, as long as I am there regularly for him. I don't think it is sick, I think that if my almost ex-husband had said that to me, I'd have fucked and sucked on him every night that I wasn't bleeding or suffering from a toothache. Because that is what mister needed from me in order to give me the emotional and mental support that I needed. It shouldn't have been a trade off like that, and I wish I had known that I wasn't getting something because in his mind I was withholding something from him...anywho.
I like that "Lemme See" told me that; No, I love that he told me that. I don't care about New Year's Eve, "Lazy Love," or anyone else right now. I just want to get my hair braided and board a plane to VA because I am wet.
Am I crazy?
I think i'm needy, but I'm not sure what i'm needy for. I woke up recently crying because I realized I had been in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 18 years. Now I'm not saying that he yelled and screamed at me, called me names, nothing like that; no what I suffered through was living for years with an unhappy, miserable person who does not know how to show love. Someone who wants you to hold them when they need you, but was emotionally detached from me when I needed them. Someone who wouldn't even go to the emergency room with me, someone who could pull my strings to do what they wanted, when they wanted, and leave me feeling upset because I felt unappreciated but so did they. He felt unappreciated because he had to manipulate me to get what he wanted and I hated being manipulated but continually fell for it.
I discovered this by accident, if you can believe it. I met a guy, a really nice guy, and he invited me over for dinner not to long ago. My eventual ex-husband and I wound up in an email war that was just the tail end of a cold war we had been fighting since early November. These cold wars happen regularly when I don't use the proper tone of voice with him, or I get upset and dare to share my thoughts. Anywho... against my better judgement, I actually wound up discussing what happened with this guy. He never said a negative word on either side he just listened, and then stated that sometimes it is like that with his eventual ex-wife too (he is separated also). But he kept touching my eye-brows. Strange. Not Jeffery Dahmer strange, but just different strange. We talked about our childhoods, adolescent years, dating, expectations, etc., We had a great evening and then he wanted a hug before I left. And then he touched my eyebrows...again.
He's nice, I like him. And I like seeing him.
But here I am still feeling lonely, busy as hell, but lonely as hell. Randomly conversing with "Lazy Love" about anything under the sun, and this new guy about stuff, and well, some of the other guys I talk to also. But I'm still lonely, still missing something. The mister came over for Christmas, we had a great day, we were able to be cordial with one another also but I didn't want him to move home or anything like that. I think, I really think, I just want us to be friends. I don't want to rely on him for anything, I don't want him to rely on me for anything but I want to be able to be friends, to take twenty years of love, laughter, hatred, lack of communication, hard feelings, having each others backs, knowing each other so well, and hopefully turn it into a friendship where we can talk to each other about our issues. Without it ever having to go back to, "well when we were together..." fuck that bullshit. We aren't together, but I want to be able to get his opinion on a matter as much as he wants to lean on me when the stress at work is too much to bear.
So here I am, still lonely. Planning a trip to visit "Lazy Love," and waiting for the other guy to get back in town so that maybe we can go out for New Years Eve, but maybe not. My loneliness has nothing per se to do with him though, it is coming from somewhere else.
How come I miss "Lemme See" so much?? How come? What did he do that he was able to commandeer all of my attention so quickly. Is it because he is an asshole? I don't want to be with someone who thinks lowly of me. Does he think like that about me? Or was I having a crazy ass PMS moment when I went off on him and we ceased to respond to one another. I thought about texting him on Christmas Day, sending him wonderful blessings for the new year. I didn't, it wasn't on purpose though, I was doing Christmas with my family and then cooking breakfast, so you know how that goes. When I finally checked my phone, he had text me; wishing me wonderful blessings into the new year. I made a decision to respond with what was actually on my mind. I told him I missed him and I had been thinking of him just that morning.
Am I deranged? Is there something wrong with me in the head? Am I needy? Am I that needy? Or do I really like this man, do I really like saying what I want to say and not being worried about his response? Do we have some kind of connection other than physical? Or is it that I have been in a great mood ever since Christmas and I enjoy our conversations as much as I did before. I recognize his non-answer as avoidance because he said he would never lie to me. Is it crazy that THAT actually works for me, because it also means that he is giving me my answer at the same time, so I need to determine where I am going to go with that information.
Our conversations are particularly descriptive, in all things. Today he told me that he needs to see me regularly; that his dick is faithful to me and only me, as long as I am there regularly for him. I don't think it is sick, I think that if my almost ex-husband had said that to me, I'd have fucked and sucked on him every night that I wasn't bleeding or suffering from a toothache. Because that is what mister needed from me in order to give me the emotional and mental support that I needed. It shouldn't have been a trade off like that, and I wish I had known that I wasn't getting something because in his mind I was withholding something from him...anywho.
I like that "Lemme See" told me that; No, I love that he told me that. I don't care about New Year's Eve, "Lazy Love," or anyone else right now. I just want to get my hair braided and board a plane to VA because I am wet.
Am I crazy?
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Where I'm from...
Where I’m from…
I’m from Today’s Woman, The T
Connection, Mr. J’s The Fade Master, Alma’s Beauty College
and white uniforms under black coats,
blended cuts, tripe fades, acrylic overlays with airbrushed tips
asymmetrical bobs, braided weaves,
last minute Mr. Fofo’s corned beef sandwiches on rye, no snow days ever, and
loud traffic.
I’m from WHAT UP DOE? HOW U DOIN?,
shampoo bowls filling with wet hair under running water, hair dryers blowing,
marcels clinking together rhythmically like Gregory Hines tapping his toes
and colorful capes, gold bling,
brightly painted walls covered in pictures of colored girls with hair that can’t
be duplicated.
From being at the “Shop” as early as
6:00 am Saturday morning, $1.99 two egg breakfast specials with bacon, hash
browns, biscuits or toast delivered in bulk with a smile
and the odor of lye, hair dye,
pineapple/coconut/strawberry protein conditioner heating under plastic.
I’m from strategically placed bushes to accent the entryway
“Don’t Stop til You Get Enough” and “When
Doves Cry.”
From my Granma’s and Daddy’s “Like I
Said” and “Listen.”
From Pan-fried potatoes and onions smothered
in cheese, Cornish hens, cabbage with potatoes
and brown slushy dirty wet snow
splattered across the windshield, driveway, sidewalk, and walkway slipping into
my boots.
I’m from a house full of three; just
him, her and me.
From peaceful moments just me and her,
intermixed with shouts and screams between her and him
and I’m quiet books, quiet songs, “girl
put your records on and play your favorite song,” restless traveling near and
far
flat-ironed straight yesterday, curly
twists today, let’s do an afro next week, natural nails do just fine on me.
Because I’m… just me.
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