LOL, I found this incomplete unpublished blog entry...from November.

Well I have been busy for quite a while. I think about this spot everyday but then I'm too tired to actually put any thoughts down.

Today I'm exhausted. Yesterday I was exhausted. The day before that I was beyond exhausted. I have a good idea of what tomorrow will bring...more exhaustion.

I keep meeting the nicest guys; weird. I also meet some strange dudes too but I chalk them up to normalcy. I hate to admit that I actually miss "Lemme See," I really miss him. But I ripped him a new one awhile back ago, it could have been a week or two, I don't actually remember. But I miss him. Not enough to apologize, call, or text though. Hmmmm, maybe I just miss his hanging appendage. <deep sigh> If I was a ho' this would not be a problem.

Am I crazy?

I started this blog because I needed a way to express myself so that my brain would not implode. I haven't been expressing myself lately, and the reasons behind it are causing me to be concerned. One of the reasons is directly related to the fact that I did not want people to know what was in my head but at the same time, I told them to please read my anonymous blog. WTF is up with me? So please forgive me for jumping around during this posting but I need to clear my head.
I think i'm needy, but I'm not sure what i'm needy for. I woke up recently crying because I realized I had been in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 18 years. Now I'm not saying that he yelled and screamed at me, called me names, nothing like that; no what I suffered through was living for years with an unhappy, miserable person who does not know how to show love. Someone who wants you to hold them when they need you, but was emotionally detached from me when I needed them. Someone who wouldn't even go to the emergency room with me, someone who could pull my strings to do what they wanted, when they wanted, and leave me feeling upset because I felt unappreciated but so did they. He felt unappreciated because he had to manipulate me to get what he wanted and I hated being manipulated but continually fell for it.
I discovered this by accident, if you can believe it. I met a guy, a really nice guy, and he invited me over for dinner not to long ago. My eventual ex-husband and I wound up in an email war that was just the tail end of a cold war we had been fighting since early November. These cold wars happen regularly when I don't use the proper tone of voice with him, or I get upset and dare to share my thoughts. Anywho... against my better judgement, I actually wound up discussing what happened with this guy. He never said a negative word on either side he just listened, and then stated that sometimes it is like that with his eventual ex-wife too (he is separated also). But he kept touching my eye-brows. Strange. Not Jeffery Dahmer strange, but just different strange. We talked about our childhoods, adolescent years, dating, expectations, etc., We had a great evening and then he wanted a hug before I left. And then he touched my eyebrows...again.
He's nice, I like him. And I like seeing him.
But here I am still feeling lonely, busy as hell, but lonely as hell. Randomly conversing with "Lazy Love" about anything under the sun, and this new guy about stuff, and well, some of the other guys I talk to also. But I'm still lonely, still missing something. The mister came over for Christmas, we had a great day, we were able to be cordial with one another also but I didn't want him to move home or anything like that. I think, I really think, I just want us to be friends. I don't want to rely on him for anything, I don't want him to rely on me for anything but I want to be able to be friends, to take twenty years of love, laughter, hatred, lack of communication, hard feelings, having each others backs, knowing each other so well, and hopefully turn it into a friendship where we can talk to each other about our issues. Without it ever having to go back to, "well when we were together..." fuck that bullshit. We aren't together, but I want to be able to get his opinion on a matter as much as he wants to lean on me when the stress at work is too much to bear.
So here I am, still lonely. Planning a trip to visit "Lazy Love," and waiting for the other guy to get back in town so that maybe we can go out for New Years Eve, but maybe not. My loneliness has nothing per se to do with him though, it is coming from somewhere else.
How come I miss "Lemme See" so much?? How come? What did he do that he was able to commandeer all of my attention so quickly. Is it because he is an asshole? I don't want to be with someone who thinks lowly of me. Does he think like that about me? Or was I having a crazy ass PMS moment when I went off on him and we ceased to respond to one another. I thought about texting him on Christmas Day, sending him wonderful blessings for the new year. I didn't, it wasn't on purpose though, I was doing Christmas with my family and then cooking breakfast, so you know how that goes. When I finally checked my phone, he had text me; wishing me wonderful blessings into the new year. I made a decision to respond with what was actually on my mind. I told him I missed him and I had been thinking of him just that morning.
Am I deranged? Is there something wrong with me in the head? Am I needy? Am I that needy? Or do I really like this man, do I really like saying what I want to say and not being worried about his response? Do we have some kind of connection other than physical? Or is it that I have been in a great mood ever since Christmas and I enjoy our conversations as much as I did before. I recognize his non-answer as avoidance because he said he would never lie to me. Is it crazy that THAT actually works for me, because it also means that he is giving me my answer at the same time, so I need to determine where I am going to go with that information. 
Our conversations are particularly descriptive, in all things. Today he told me that he needs to see me regularly; that his dick is faithful to me and only me, as long as I am there regularly for him. I don't think it is sick, I think that if my almost ex-husband had said that to me, I'd have fucked and sucked on him every night that I wasn't bleeding or suffering from a toothache. Because that is what mister needed from me in order to give me the emotional and mental support that I needed. It shouldn't have been a trade off like that, and I wish I had known that I wasn't getting something because in his mind I was withholding something from him...anywho.
I like that "Lemme See" told me that; No, I love that he told me that. I don't care about New Year's Eve, "Lazy Love," or anyone else right now. I just want to get my hair braided and board a plane to VA because I am wet.
Am I crazy?

Where I'm from...

Where I’m from…

I’m from Today’s Woman, The T Connection, Mr. J’s The Fade Master, Alma’s Beauty College

and white uniforms under black coats, blended cuts, tripe fades, acrylic overlays with airbrushed tips

asymmetrical bobs, braided weaves, last minute Mr. Fofo’s corned beef sandwiches on rye, no snow days ever, and loud traffic.

I’m from WHAT UP DOE? HOW U DOIN?, shampoo bowls filling with wet hair under running water, hair dryers blowing, marcels clinking together rhythmically like Gregory Hines tapping his toes

and colorful capes, gold bling, brightly painted walls covered in pictures of colored girls with hair that can’t be duplicated.

From being at the “Shop” as early as 6:00 am Saturday morning, $1.99 two egg breakfast specials with bacon, hash browns, biscuits or toast delivered in bulk with a smile

and the odor of lye, hair dye, pineapple/coconut/strawberry protein conditioner heating under plastic.

I’m from strategically placed bushes to accent the entryway

“Don’t Stop til You Get Enough” and “When Doves Cry.”

From my Granma’s and Daddy’s “Like I Said” and “Listen.”

From Pan-fried potatoes and onions smothered in cheese, Cornish hens, cabbage with potatoes

and brown slushy dirty wet snow splattered across the windshield, driveway, sidewalk, and walkway slipping into my boots.

I’m from a house full of three; just him, her and me.

From peaceful moments just me and her, intermixed with shouts and screams between her and him

and I’m quiet books, quiet songs, “girl put your records on and play your favorite song,” restless traveling near and far

flat-ironed straight yesterday, curly twists today, let’s do an afro next week, natural nails do just fine on me.

Because I’m… just me.

Everything happens for a reason

I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that everything happens for a reason. This is not a biblical thought that I want to debate with anyone; neither the local atheist  agnostic or super bible thumper. This is not meant to look into the worst situations in the world and force me to give a legitimate reason as to why Pearl Harbor was bombed. This is just my belief and I stand by it whereas it affects me. 

Yesterday, 11/26/12 my life changed; it changed because everything happens for a reason. I had set two personal goals for November 2012; start my day on my treadmill and wear my contacts at least 3 times this month. I have met neither of these goals but I did try (i thought about them all month).

Yesterday while peering at myself in  the mirror I reached over and grabbed my mascara and proceeded to put it on. Thereby causing yet another day to go by contact-less  Contacts first, eye makeup second. Now I happen to believe that wearing mascara is one of the most feminine aspects of being a female. There is nothing more deliciously wicked than standing in front of a vanity and creating a dark alluring smoldering look with the wispy ink filled bristles of a mascara brush, even if it is only within the realms of your imagination. 
I did not realize that it had been over 3 weeks since my last rendezvous with the playful art of mascara brushing. Leaning in close to the mirror so that my warm breath played havoc with my vision as it was gently steaming the mirror in an almost teasing manner, I gingerly applied mascara to first my upper lashes. A thick swoop up into the air sealed this moment as complete. Then I softly swept the across my bottom lashes. As quick as it had began, it was over. My eye lashes were just the beginning of my many masterpieces of freedom that I would express through out the day.

But all of that is neither here nor there. What is important is that late into the evening when I should have been sleeping my eyes began to water; each yawn turning my eyes into a virtual flood gate of unleashed salty tears pushing past their barriers to come crashing down as though they were the magnificent Niagara Falls. My eyes began to burn, I could barely make it to the bathroom. Water...my eyes needed water. They needed the smooth wet warmth that could only be provided by...a wash cloth. Gently I touched the refreshingly cool yet warm washcloth against my stinging eyes and as the burning subsided, I looked over to the left side of the counter and I saw the bottle of eye make-up remover almost completely empty. I needed to use remover to get the residual ink of mascara that dares to defy logic and not completely come off with the warm wet wash cloth. I lifted the bottle towards two raised cotton balls and proceeded to pour. There was not enough. 

As I stated before everything happens for a reason and nearest I can figure is if I hadn't decided yesterday to wear mascara for the first time in three weeks I would have never remembered that I was nearly out of eye makeup remover. Therefore I would not have been able to recognize the real reason behind my lack of mascara use recently.

I needed to order some Mary Kay. So I did. 

See, everything happens for a reason.

I have heard rumors that i am a little dramatic at times LOL.

Are you kidding me? To hell with Adam...

USHER RAYMOND! 

USHER RAYMOND!

HOLD HIM AGAINST ME RIGHT NOW!!

Dis Negro...

Why on Earth has Lemme See been texting me all morning??? Dis Negro is going to be the death of me, I swear. The minute you throw up the deuces they come back full circle. And I KNOW he is at work right now, but the messages keep coming. 

He actually requested that I rename him "Sweet Dick" though he agrees that "Lemme See" is a fitting title. Nasty bastard. And yes, he does have me all tingly and wet inside...

I can't stand him. 

When I voted early the week before last...

I was very ashamed of myself. I have not watched TV in over 18 months and I let that behavior cross over into other aspects of my life; I no longer get the newspaper, or read the news online, so I am truly out of pocket. As an example of how bad it has gotten with me, I was scheduled to spend part of last weekend in the DMV and it wasn't until that Sunday when it was time to order my plane ticket that I was made aware of Hurricane Sandy! As I have called myself a Hot Ass Mess in previous postings, this is just solidifying that personal statement. So looking at the ballot and not recognizing all the different names for the school board and the different judges, many of whom were being elected to LIFETIME positions really hit home. I had to really go internal on this and set myself straight (I know that sounds silly). While not watching TV is okay to a certain extent, becoming completely disconnected from society to the point that I am only aware of what is directly affecting me and mine RIGHT NOW is beyond unacceptable. How am I truly setting an example for my children or my students; if I was teaching ms soc. studies this year I would fire my damn self.

So uhmmm yeah, this was how I felt last week after I voted, and my days are off slightly because I voted early. Right now, I'm still too busy to watch TV and I still don't know what is going on around me. But I can tell you this much, the FB page, Grown Folks Conversation - Adult Version, has my complete attention!! I am utterly addicted! To the point that I even respond to some of the posting on that crazy ass page. As I told a friend of mine, I do not need to watch TV, as long as I have this page. This is my Basketball Ho's or Atlanta House Hookers. Straight addicted I tell you. 

I also turned the big FOUR OH, last weekend. That's right, I'm 40 babeeeee! I had a little party with my colleagues, they made my night wonderful, and I didn't even get up and go to work on Sunday (cuz it was my bday thats why!!).

Any-who, I'm completely behind in all my work but I will update everyone soon on the comings and goings of my life and those who have any form of relevancy within it. With that being said, yes, Lemme See and I have had regular conversations throughout the week. But something (prolly PMS) literally made me send him a text that said, Deuces Negro!