LOL, I found this incomplete unpublished blog entry...from November.

Well I have been busy for quite a while. I think about this spot everyday but then I'm too tired to actually put any thoughts down.

Today I'm exhausted. Yesterday I was exhausted. The day before that I was beyond exhausted. I have a good idea of what tomorrow will bring...more exhaustion.

I keep meeting the nicest guys; weird. I also meet some strange dudes too but I chalk them up to normalcy. I hate to admit that I actually miss "Lemme See," I really miss him. But I ripped him a new one awhile back ago, it could have been a week or two, I don't actually remember. But I miss him. Not enough to apologize, call, or text though. Hmmmm, maybe I just miss his hanging appendage. <deep sigh> If I was a ho' this would not be a problem.

Am I crazy?

I started this blog because I needed a way to express myself so that my brain would not implode. I haven't been expressing myself lately, and the reasons behind it are causing me to be concerned. One of the reasons is directly related to the fact that I did not want people to know what was in my head but at the same time, I told them to please read my anonymous blog. WTF is up with me? So please forgive me for jumping around during this posting but I need to clear my head.
I think i'm needy, but I'm not sure what i'm needy for. I woke up recently crying because I realized I had been in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 18 years. Now I'm not saying that he yelled and screamed at me, called me names, nothing like that; no what I suffered through was living for years with an unhappy, miserable person who does not know how to show love. Someone who wants you to hold them when they need you, but was emotionally detached from me when I needed them. Someone who wouldn't even go to the emergency room with me, someone who could pull my strings to do what they wanted, when they wanted, and leave me feeling upset because I felt unappreciated but so did they. He felt unappreciated because he had to manipulate me to get what he wanted and I hated being manipulated but continually fell for it.
I discovered this by accident, if you can believe it. I met a guy, a really nice guy, and he invited me over for dinner not to long ago. My eventual ex-husband and I wound up in an email war that was just the tail end of a cold war we had been fighting since early November. These cold wars happen regularly when I don't use the proper tone of voice with him, or I get upset and dare to share my thoughts. Anywho... against my better judgement, I actually wound up discussing what happened with this guy. He never said a negative word on either side he just listened, and then stated that sometimes it is like that with his eventual ex-wife too (he is separated also). But he kept touching my eye-brows. Strange. Not Jeffery Dahmer strange, but just different strange. We talked about our childhoods, adolescent years, dating, expectations, etc., We had a great evening and then he wanted a hug before I left. And then he touched my eyebrows...again.
He's nice, I like him. And I like seeing him.
But here I am still feeling lonely, busy as hell, but lonely as hell. Randomly conversing with "Lazy Love" about anything under the sun, and this new guy about stuff, and well, some of the other guys I talk to also. But I'm still lonely, still missing something. The mister came over for Christmas, we had a great day, we were able to be cordial with one another also but I didn't want him to move home or anything like that. I think, I really think, I just want us to be friends. I don't want to rely on him for anything, I don't want him to rely on me for anything but I want to be able to be friends, to take twenty years of love, laughter, hatred, lack of communication, hard feelings, having each others backs, knowing each other so well, and hopefully turn it into a friendship where we can talk to each other about our issues. Without it ever having to go back to, "well when we were together..." fuck that bullshit. We aren't together, but I want to be able to get his opinion on a matter as much as he wants to lean on me when the stress at work is too much to bear.
So here I am, still lonely. Planning a trip to visit "Lazy Love," and waiting for the other guy to get back in town so that maybe we can go out for New Years Eve, but maybe not. My loneliness has nothing per se to do with him though, it is coming from somewhere else.
How come I miss "Lemme See" so much?? How come? What did he do that he was able to commandeer all of my attention so quickly. Is it because he is an asshole? I don't want to be with someone who thinks lowly of me. Does he think like that about me? Or was I having a crazy ass PMS moment when I went off on him and we ceased to respond to one another. I thought about texting him on Christmas Day, sending him wonderful blessings for the new year. I didn't, it wasn't on purpose though, I was doing Christmas with my family and then cooking breakfast, so you know how that goes. When I finally checked my phone, he had text me; wishing me wonderful blessings into the new year. I made a decision to respond with what was actually on my mind. I told him I missed him and I had been thinking of him just that morning.
Am I deranged? Is there something wrong with me in the head? Am I needy? Am I that needy? Or do I really like this man, do I really like saying what I want to say and not being worried about his response? Do we have some kind of connection other than physical? Or is it that I have been in a great mood ever since Christmas and I enjoy our conversations as much as I did before. I recognize his non-answer as avoidance because he said he would never lie to me. Is it crazy that THAT actually works for me, because it also means that he is giving me my answer at the same time, so I need to determine where I am going to go with that information. 
Our conversations are particularly descriptive, in all things. Today he told me that he needs to see me regularly; that his dick is faithful to me and only me, as long as I am there regularly for him. I don't think it is sick, I think that if my almost ex-husband had said that to me, I'd have fucked and sucked on him every night that I wasn't bleeding or suffering from a toothache. Because that is what mister needed from me in order to give me the emotional and mental support that I needed. It shouldn't have been a trade off like that, and I wish I had known that I wasn't getting something because in his mind I was withholding something from him...anywho.
I like that "Lemme See" told me that; No, I love that he told me that. I don't care about New Year's Eve, "Lazy Love," or anyone else right now. I just want to get my hair braided and board a plane to VA because I am wet.
Am I crazy?

Where I'm from...

Where I’m from…

I’m from Today’s Woman, The T Connection, Mr. J’s The Fade Master, Alma’s Beauty College

and white uniforms under black coats, blended cuts, tripe fades, acrylic overlays with airbrushed tips

asymmetrical bobs, braided weaves, last minute Mr. Fofo’s corned beef sandwiches on rye, no snow days ever, and loud traffic.

I’m from WHAT UP DOE? HOW U DOIN?, shampoo bowls filling with wet hair under running water, hair dryers blowing, marcels clinking together rhythmically like Gregory Hines tapping his toes

and colorful capes, gold bling, brightly painted walls covered in pictures of colored girls with hair that can’t be duplicated.

From being at the “Shop” as early as 6:00 am Saturday morning, $1.99 two egg breakfast specials with bacon, hash browns, biscuits or toast delivered in bulk with a smile

and the odor of lye, hair dye, pineapple/coconut/strawberry protein conditioner heating under plastic.

I’m from strategically placed bushes to accent the entryway

“Don’t Stop til You Get Enough” and “When Doves Cry.”

From my Granma’s and Daddy’s “Like I Said” and “Listen.”

From Pan-fried potatoes and onions smothered in cheese, Cornish hens, cabbage with potatoes

and brown slushy dirty wet snow splattered across the windshield, driveway, sidewalk, and walkway slipping into my boots.

I’m from a house full of three; just him, her and me.

From peaceful moments just me and her, intermixed with shouts and screams between her and him

and I’m quiet books, quiet songs, “girl put your records on and play your favorite song,” restless traveling near and far

flat-ironed straight yesterday, curly twists today, let’s do an afro next week, natural nails do just fine on me.

Because I’m… just me.

Everything happens for a reason

I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that everything happens for a reason. This is not a biblical thought that I want to debate with anyone; neither the local atheist  agnostic or super bible thumper. This is not meant to look into the worst situations in the world and force me to give a legitimate reason as to why Pearl Harbor was bombed. This is just my belief and I stand by it whereas it affects me. 

Yesterday, 11/26/12 my life changed; it changed because everything happens for a reason. I had set two personal goals for November 2012; start my day on my treadmill and wear my contacts at least 3 times this month. I have met neither of these goals but I did try (i thought about them all month).

Yesterday while peering at myself in  the mirror I reached over and grabbed my mascara and proceeded to put it on. Thereby causing yet another day to go by contact-less  Contacts first, eye makeup second. Now I happen to believe that wearing mascara is one of the most feminine aspects of being a female. There is nothing more deliciously wicked than standing in front of a vanity and creating a dark alluring smoldering look with the wispy ink filled bristles of a mascara brush, even if it is only within the realms of your imagination. 
I did not realize that it had been over 3 weeks since my last rendezvous with the playful art of mascara brushing. Leaning in close to the mirror so that my warm breath played havoc with my vision as it was gently steaming the mirror in an almost teasing manner, I gingerly applied mascara to first my upper lashes. A thick swoop up into the air sealed this moment as complete. Then I softly swept the across my bottom lashes. As quick as it had began, it was over. My eye lashes were just the beginning of my many masterpieces of freedom that I would express through out the day.

But all of that is neither here nor there. What is important is that late into the evening when I should have been sleeping my eyes began to water; each yawn turning my eyes into a virtual flood gate of unleashed salty tears pushing past their barriers to come crashing down as though they were the magnificent Niagara Falls. My eyes began to burn, I could barely make it to the bathroom. Water...my eyes needed water. They needed the smooth wet warmth that could only be provided by...a wash cloth. Gently I touched the refreshingly cool yet warm washcloth against my stinging eyes and as the burning subsided, I looked over to the left side of the counter and I saw the bottle of eye make-up remover almost completely empty. I needed to use remover to get the residual ink of mascara that dares to defy logic and not completely come off with the warm wet wash cloth. I lifted the bottle towards two raised cotton balls and proceeded to pour. There was not enough. 

As I stated before everything happens for a reason and nearest I can figure is if I hadn't decided yesterday to wear mascara for the first time in three weeks I would have never remembered that I was nearly out of eye makeup remover. Therefore I would not have been able to recognize the real reason behind my lack of mascara use recently.

I needed to order some Mary Kay. So I did. 

See, everything happens for a reason.

I have heard rumors that i am a little dramatic at times LOL.

Are you kidding me? To hell with Adam...

USHER RAYMOND! 

USHER RAYMOND!

HOLD HIM AGAINST ME RIGHT NOW!!

Dis Negro...

Why on Earth has Lemme See been texting me all morning??? Dis Negro is going to be the death of me, I swear. The minute you throw up the deuces they come back full circle. And I KNOW he is at work right now, but the messages keep coming. 

He actually requested that I rename him "Sweet Dick" though he agrees that "Lemme See" is a fitting title. Nasty bastard. And yes, he does have me all tingly and wet inside...

I can't stand him. 

When I voted early the week before last...

I was very ashamed of myself. I have not watched TV in over 18 months and I let that behavior cross over into other aspects of my life; I no longer get the newspaper, or read the news online, so I am truly out of pocket. As an example of how bad it has gotten with me, I was scheduled to spend part of last weekend in the DMV and it wasn't until that Sunday when it was time to order my plane ticket that I was made aware of Hurricane Sandy! As I have called myself a Hot Ass Mess in previous postings, this is just solidifying that personal statement. So looking at the ballot and not recognizing all the different names for the school board and the different judges, many of whom were being elected to LIFETIME positions really hit home. I had to really go internal on this and set myself straight (I know that sounds silly). While not watching TV is okay to a certain extent, becoming completely disconnected from society to the point that I am only aware of what is directly affecting me and mine RIGHT NOW is beyond unacceptable. How am I truly setting an example for my children or my students; if I was teaching ms soc. studies this year I would fire my damn self.

So uhmmm yeah, this was how I felt last week after I voted, and my days are off slightly because I voted early. Right now, I'm still too busy to watch TV and I still don't know what is going on around me. But I can tell you this much, the FB page, Grown Folks Conversation - Adult Version, has my complete attention!! I am utterly addicted! To the point that I even respond to some of the posting on that crazy ass page. As I told a friend of mine, I do not need to watch TV, as long as I have this page. This is my Basketball Ho's or Atlanta House Hookers. Straight addicted I tell you. 

I also turned the big FOUR OH, last weekend. That's right, I'm 40 babeeeee! I had a little party with my colleagues, they made my night wonderful, and I didn't even get up and go to work on Sunday (cuz it was my bday thats why!!).

Any-who, I'm completely behind in all my work but I will update everyone soon on the comings and goings of my life and those who have any form of relevancy within it. With that being said, yes, Lemme See and I have had regular conversations throughout the week. But something (prolly PMS) literally made me send him a text that said, Deuces Negro!

Halloween totally exhausted me...

I swear I am so lazy, I only go outside on Halloween under duress. But after spending the day running around, which was a total disruption of my "thinking" time, my ass was actually out Trick or Treating for 2 hours with my baby. He had better remember this shit for years. As far as i'm concerned though...this should make up for never taking him to see any Disney movies.
 <insert example of duress here>Well, really I had to take him last year too, after multiple failed attempts with his older brothers. He and the middle child have a love hate somewhat love really really hate relationship so they were fighting while trick or treating. Then the oldest could not stop sucking face with his girlfriend long enough to move to the next house; so he came home upset and frustrated. There I was, stuck earning my mom badge of the week. I took him out for about an hour and in the end he totally scored,but we were in a part of our subdivision I had never been in before and didn't recognize. I also couldn't understand why it had the same name as my street (why would they do that???), so I had to turn on my phones GPS to get home. "In 1000 feet your destination will be on right." WTF...really? Who gets lost on their own damn block. I am a hot ass mess. 

Let's talk about my middle child that messed up my damn day. This mofo....shit damn fuck...that mofo. Monster 1 and Monster 2 had orthodontist appts today. I hate orthodontist appts because Monster 2 is completely non-compliant, so every damn month I have to listen to the dr tell me why it is in this boys best interests to take the braces off, yet they don't do it. I'm just like shit, damn, he's non-compliant, fuck it. I got my moneys worth, quit torturing me with this same conversation every damn month. This month they say that this boy has an infection so bad that the entire inside of his mouth is almost swollen closed, he is in intense pain, and it is imperative that they take the braces off and that he go to the dentist to get the infection taken care of immediately. Oh and his wisdom teeth are coming in and creating a problem too. Oh yes, and you are a bad mom because you didn't notice.
This boy not only put on 30lbs this summer but grew three inches, his head is big like his body as far as I can tell, and he looks like a grown ass man with all that damn facial hair. Not only that, he had Strep Throat and just finished a 10 day course of antibiotics for THAT 3 days before so this is truly, a bad ass infection. Plus, he eats everything in sight before it has the opportunity to eat him.....but they're saying his mouth hurts and he is intense pain. I can't tell, especially since he didn't say a single word about it. He's not 2 years old, he will be 16 in 2 months, is 5"11.5', weighs 190lbs, and has been talking for a long fuckin time. He sure could tell me when his throat hurt too much to eat me out of house and home. Mofo. So that takes frickin HOURS and then at 1pm they say he needs to come back at 2:30 to complete the retainer. No the fuck he doesn't. Are you kidding me???? 
Next we drop Monster 1 off at the University (OMG GO LIVE ON CAMPUS DUDE!!!) and headed to the regular dentist about the infection. They take him in immediately (love them) and he wants to act a fool. He gets angry because he is hungry and tired and sick of dentists and he missed school and blah blah blah.... Well the receptionist who has been looking at this child for 6 years is in shock at his fit. I must have been in a zone of non-attention to have not responded to this sooner. See my kids know that I am a softy at heart, a push over if you will...AT HOME. But, I have ONE really big rule: Outside of the house you had better be on your best behavior; NEVER let another adult say something to me about your behavior unless it is good. "Marie, maybe you should go to the back with him, he seems agitated, i'm not sure if he will be able to explain whats going on the the dr." Head is now out of the clouds------- you just broke my rule. 
I went to the back and he was just carrying on ridiculously. I will not repeat all the details but it started with, "Little boy have you lost your mind? I will ball up my fist and knock you in your muthafuckin jaw...........this is a result of your behavior............get it together..........don't make me get in a chair and beat your ass to the ground." Needless to say the rest of the day he was on point in all aspects of his life except.... 
His curfew is 8:30 (I gives a damn if its Halloween, curfew is curfew and it's a school night); he came in at 8:47, as I was asking where he was. When I asked why he was late, he wanted to raise up and say:
Him: Cause I was hanging out with my friends!
Me:  Who are you talking to and exactly what did you just say? 
Him: That it won't happen again, ma'am, sorry. 
Me:  Thank you, it better not, go eat.
I guess he had a moment and forgot who the fuck I am. 

Teenopause - 0
Mom - 1 

With all that being said, Thursday morning 9:30 am, we were at the damn orthodontist again. My baby had to get his initial consultation and Monster 2 is getting that retainer.....uuugggghhhhh I hate the orthodontist.

Unadulterated truth!

I mean....cause i'm the shit.
just saying

Totally lost in my thoughts today...

Yes, I did just send Lazy Love a text letting him know that I do not feel like flying into the D tomorrow because #1 I'm lazy, #2 I'm eligible for an upgrade on my phone as of tomorrow and I really want a new fuckin phone, and #3 I am more interested in a new phone than some dick.
Even though I could really use some all over butterfly kisses right about now.

Yes, this bitch here is OUT OF ORDER.
(His penis is being well taken care of i'm sure, so I will be at the Verizon store tomorrow :-)

Back to my thoughts...

A new day and a new thought process

This is what I read yesterday...

I absolutely loved this book. It challenged my thought process in terms of trying to find a doctoral program that is NOT focused on Latino/a studies. It brought up the anger and resentment that one feels in graduate school as a minority. As we are part of an even smaller minority than normal in this academic environment. Oh and believe me, I am very angry at times, very angry.

But something more important than anger seeped through...

Where is the disconnect happening? Why is there such a disparity with Chicano/a students between elementary and high school? 

Middle School is the disconnect.

This is seriously disturbing me more than anyone could possibly know. As a result I will spend the rest of the day in my head...

It is what it is so quit trippin

Topic of the Day:   Pussy is Pussy/Dick is Dick

If the relationship started out 3 weeks ago, 5 months ago, 2 years ago, or 10 years ago as a damn booty call then it is what it is. It doesn't change because you both became friends, it doesn't change because you both have each others backs, it doesn't change because he popped a pimple on your ass when you couldn't reach it. Don't get mad when one party chooses to slip and fall into/onto another pussy/dick. It is what it is.

I don't want to hear any snappy ass comebacks about how you and yours got married and have a successful relationship either, that's marriage. My almost ex husband and I were booty calls that fell in love, got married (18 yrs), had a family, broke up, and became friends (sometimes) again. This is about those that have not crossed that great divide; those that depend on each other for whatever the reasons may be, those that regularly scratch each others itch when it needs it, but have not said nor will they ever say, "I do."

My girlfriend called me to talk about what was going on in her relationship and I offered her what I thought was decent advice, but she insisted that she needed to talk to a male friend and get his perspective on what was going on. She did. Let me say that it was excellent advice too. It was straight from the hip, real talk. No bullshit. I'm not sure why I didn't trust that he was going to give her excellent advice because there have been many instances where I have called my friend4life since 2nd grade, and asked him his opinion on matters. He has always offered the perspective that I needed in order to make a sound decision. No one knows a guy better than another guy right? So ladies, keep that in mind when you want honest feedback on something that is keeping you awake at night about a man.

Moving on to my menfolk.

I only have two that cross my mind on a regular basis and that is of course, "Lemme See" and "Lazy Love." Well I had to put them into perspective after listening to the wise man's information today. Admittedly, with Lazy Love the attitude has always been, it is what it is. There is no confusion about that one at all, it is what it is. Though he himself had a situation about 6 months ago with another "booty call" of his that started to turn the relationship into more than what it was. We actually discussed why he encounters this type of situation and I told him "my perspective" on his woman problems. When you are with him, you are a queen, he treats you with extreme care and tenderness, he plays with you, he laughs and makes sure that you are satisfied before he is, he smothers you in butterfly kisses in the middle of the night, and no matter what... he makes you feel sexy. Who doesn't want that in a relationship??? Who doesn't want that to be their reality? So when he ventures into these relationships with females that live 15 minutes away, females that he can help out in an instant if a problem occurs, why wouldn't they start to see more than they should. Hell, If I didn't live 2000 miles away I would be Dickmatized (Jill Scott, 2012) too! His response was, "That is the way it's supposed to be, I want her (us) to feel good when she's with me." Exactly, so since we don't want him to change, and he doesn't want too either, he needs to take some simple precautions with the next booty call relationship. He needs to have them sign a waiver or agreement. 

Moving on:

Now, Lemme See had started to become an issue with me. His job required a great deal of travel and he would be on job sites for more than a month at a time. I traveled to wherever he was, and got a completely different treatment than with Lazy Love. He is a hard core nasty ass freak. He is so nasty i'm embarrassed to talk about it. Truthfully, in the beginning he was a bit of an asshole, so I gave him back what he dished out or worse. I was really outdone at his behavior or commentary on a number of occasions and it was my calling him out that put him on a mission to prove that he really was a nice guy. And succeed at that mission he did. So once we broke that barrier, traveling to his work sites for a couple of days of relaxation was a mini-vacation to look forward to. He got up every morning, we would discuss whatever was going on with his job, go to work, come back 10 hours later, ready to eat, and relax. It was glorious hanging out in the hotel, or swimming, or going shopping, with no kids to worry about, no dinner to cook, to just be at peace. He would let me know when he was going to one site or another, that he'd arrived safe from his flight or drive, check on me and all my traveling to make sure that I had arrived safely too. Then he changed positions and became stationary. We began to talk all the time (do you see the problem, because I do), started really getting along, being aware of each others damn schedules and shit. Being fuckin supportive of each others trials and tribulations...  Then out of the blue, he decided to disappear on the weekends and became distant in conversations. The first time he did it he went through great lengths to apologize. Then a second time, and not too much of an attempt to make amends. And then this last time. And yes, he did call me and tell me that this Hurricane Sandy was his excuse. My response. "Oh okay." Today he called to let me know he survived and that there was no damage to his home. "Okay, good to know." But, at this point, I know what's up and I'm moving on. What does it matter anyway, I'm just pussy right? Whatever the relationship started out as, is what it is. While I am glad he is alive and well, he is just dick. Good dick. But, be that as it may, I'm a grown ass woman; I don't play games with anyone, and we did have an agreement. Deuces negro.

On to the next one...

I was lying in bed about 4 nights ago (while I was seeing the handwriting appear on the wall), and I got a text message from....a guy. Crazy right? Why would a guy text me? Because I am awesome, that's why. "Can you talk?" Absolutely. We laughed so hard on that call for over an hour, and of course he asked when I would be available for a visit. At least not for another six weeks sir. In the end, the call ended with his usual, "how can I help?...I will put it in your account on Wednesday, text me a reminder Tuesday night."

He doesn't even know about that "Superhead"...

Danger...Will Robinson...Danger

LMMFAO!!! What kind of shit is this?? HAHAHAHAHA! If this was known to work, I'd be on husband #___ now (because a real lady never tells) ...oops, my bad, I already over shared didn't I? 

It is funny though isn't it?

No, I haven't shared enough. Just so you know, Lemme See, renamed me Superhead Marie, soon after we met. We have spoken many times of my "Super Power" and if I am recalling correctly, he related or equated it to the fact that I sucked my thumb until I was 18. Needless to say, I'm a bad bitch.

This of course leads me into the Topic of the Day: 

What to Expect from My Rainbow Fish

This blog is truthfully the maniacal musings of my mind; where I will say what i'm thinking regardless of how it sounds, because I need a place to vent. I'm going crazy guys!! 

I have two teenagers, one of whom is going through a serious case of teenapause and the other just needs to get the fuck out. I know he is only 17 years old, I know he won't be 18 for another 7 months but shit, fuck, damn, he has graduated high school and is in college. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. And then I have my baby, my poo bear is 10 going on 30. The pre-teenapauser, the just beginning puberty adolescent, with a mouth that I want to punch periodically but I don't because he is spoiled rotten.  

In addition to that, I am forced to deal with horrid examples of freshmen writing almost daily, I see so many bad writing samples that when I see a good one, i'm looking for stuff to bitch about. I have to step back and say oh wait, Good Job _____, and I must say I am very impressed with your ability to keep this paper in third person. **One wouldn't think that would be hard, but it is when you are blinded by the bad ones.**

Let us not talk about my classes. Love 'em/Hate 'em. And that is all there is to say about that.

And men, Lordy Lordy Lordy do I love men. And I love falling in love with my men. Well actually, sometimes I fall in love with something about a particular man, not the whole man, but overall I just love men. And they all live out of state...

So I'm a single camel toe in a house filled with testicles and this is where I am going to talk about whatever is going on with me be it physical, emotional, or mental. I will cuss, I will get x-rated, sometimes I will talk about my kids, sometimes about my men, sometimes about my friends (fuckin bitches), I will make you laugh a lot, and sometime I will make you cry. So be prepared because I am as real as I can get, and I didn't think Facebook was the appropriate place to truly be me. You might think i'm crazy sometimes, and that's okay because I think I am too.

Are you ready? Let's go...

As usual, I started this morning in my head. I may have physically gotten out of bed, gone to the toilet, removed my mascara, taken my medicine (No! I am not diabetic, that is sooooooo racist.), yelled at the kids, eaten some yogurt, made up my bed, washed a load or two of clothes, showered, and dressed for work in this realm but I was actually lost in another time space continuum; my head. 

In my head, I fantasize about Usher (my future baby daddy) whenever his songs are on the radio and since I only listen to SiriusXM The Heat; his songs are always on the radio. In my head, I think about different guys that I have dated and revisit conversations we have had. In my head, I changed Mr. J's name (someone I have a non-dating physical relationship with) to "Lazy Love" by Ne-Yo  http://youtu.be/WZkuuUe97_s?hd=1, and Mr. B's name (someone who I started a non-dating physical relationship with six months ago that is possibly more than that but neither of us want to admit or talk about it) to "Lemme See" by Usher http://youtu.be/TEb7CPtpZvM. In my head, my size 12 is on a 5"10' frame and not a 5"4' one.

Anyway, this morning in my head I set certain goals for myself. Though I'm still discovering myself these weren't any random goals. This morning was a morning of self-discovery for me, though the more I think about it, it might directly be related to my meds. This morning I forgot about love, being in love, the meaning of love, the pain of love, I thought about me. I decided that I have until age 45 to start a doctoral studies program,and that I also have to have 50k saved by that time. This may not seem like a big deal to many but for me it was saying it out loud, it was speaking it into existence. I will be 40 next Sunday <deep sigh> so I actually don't have a lot of time. I should prolly get a real job. Eventually...

So what had happened was, I knew I set this mental plan in motion because I don't think I can find a doctoral program for me that does NOT focus on Latino/a studies anywhere in the Southwest. So apparently in order to focus on multicultural studies in relation to rhetoric and writing one must go North. I guesstimated that it would take me about 4-5 years to acclimate myself to the idea of going to NY or something because its COLD there. I don't wanna be COLD. Thinking about this lead to a discovery of possibly getting a 2nd masters degree in Health and Human Services because I have this thing about homeless teenagers (though I have a teenager that I would love to be homeless right now) that I want to help and give them the support they need to reach their potential. Now while I realize that sounds like a commercial, its true. Plus thinking about all this helped me to keep my mind off of "Lemme See" all day. Since apparently we're in a non-talking point in our strange relationship, though I'm sure somehow this will relate back to Hurricane Sandy (Bullshit).

As there is no way i'm going to make anyone relive my entire day in order for me to get to the point, just know that in the final hours as I was putting the beginning touches on this brand new blog that I promised myself I would start today, my baby came into my room and we discussed My Rainbow Fish.

My Rainbow Fish is the world that I share with my children, my parents, my almost ex husband, and my friends. It represents time we spent together that is meaningful. A few years ago I was driving my baby to school and during our conversation about everything important to a six year old, he told me that he was going to write a book one day, and it would be called Rainbow Fish. When I asked him why, he had no reason to explain it. But I knew at that moment that I would write something some day in the future and the title that I had been thinking about for years that wouldn't manifest became obvious, it was Rainbow Fish, My Rainbow Fish. My son would never remember this conversation or the name of his future book but I knew that I would.

My Rainbow Fish is our time together; good or bad.

Welcome to my world...